a Soul Project

archival : I can't believe :

I've uprooted and moved to Utah, for us.
For us, for us.
Everything has been for us.

You came back around, bearing gifts, bringing promises.
Powerless against your charms, I succumbed. FUCK!
Willingly, fearfully.
And here we are.
Months of courtship having passed,
I have merged my life with yours.
Scared shitless of you, even then.
Scared twice as shitless of you now.

"I'm not going to give up on you."
How many times did you repeat it.
How many times did I peek up at your round blue eyes
while you pledged yourself to my side.
Hope bloomed, over and over.
My body warred, roiling and resisting.
I leaned into you. I thanked you. I thanked you and thanked you.

And we're already a failure.
You're already a disappointment.
Perhaps I am too, to you,
but then your expectations of me must have been more aptly suited
for a person without a DISORDER.

And there it is, blazing,
So that I can no longer call it what it isn't.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress.
Emotional Abuse.

Twenty-five years in the making
And I've lost you to it.
I've lost you to yourself, more like.
You look down at me from your towering heights
while I grovel on the floor
and you say,

"I can't believe you're doing this to me.
If you cared at all you wouldn't be doing this."

If YOU cared YOU wouldn't be doing THIS to US!
You wouldn't be giving up, but you have
in a span of three mere days.

I have a DISORDER.
I have a DISORDER.

But you don't love Kaylin-with-a-disorder.
You don't want to join her in battle.
To you, she isn't worth the trouble.
To you, her fight isn't worth a harmonious outcome dualy dreamt of.
Heaven forbid you should grow.
Heaven forbid you should step outside your comfort zone.
Heaven forbid you should feel anything.

I screamed "I hate you" at you and I meant it.
I screamed I hate you because yes, I would hate anyone that gave up fighting for and with me when they had finally convinced me I could lean on them.
I leaned, and you caved.

I won't give up on you I won't give up on you I won't give up on you

It rings in my ears, in my brain, in my body.
Lies, lies, lies.