A COMMUNAL EXPERIMENT IN SELF CURATION

a Soul Project

archival : remembering why I got the way I did :

Chris makes me crazy.
Really, no one else does this to me.
Has EVER done this to me,
not the way he does.

CHRIS,
why do you make me doubt myself?
Why when I spill my heartfelt thoughts,
do you turn them into things of unimportant?
Because I can't ask you to change.
because that's not my place, even though we're trying to make friendship work.
You know, its push and pull.
Both parties have to change a little to fit each other.
But you never wanted to change,
and I doubt you do now.
You're too stubborn,
you're too proud,
you're too damn inflexible and I don't know how to just be okay with that.
You want back into my life? You do, huh?
Then I hope you love me like you say,
because god damnit,
you have to try for friendship, too.
Sometimes friendship takes work, heaven forbid
I'm willing to try for you, I would and I will,
and I know I'll end up feeling empty if you don't try right back.
SO TRY FOR ME.
Try to express yourself.
Do you drive everyone else away?
I think you do.
I think this "not letting people in" and this "trying to be lax"
as you call it
is your downfall.
I think you could be so much more.
There's so much inside of you!
I see it, but can't touch it because you won't let anyone close enough.

Why did this come up?
Because if you're trying to be my friend,
then you're going to be learning about my life, now.
You're going to know all of the joys its filled with,
both before you're re-entry and because you came back,
but you only want to know the latter!
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH;
There, is that what you want to hear?
Because that's all you ask for from me.
I want to share other things with you.
Do you know what I did on my birthday? Because we talked about yours.
Do you know how I got into photography? Because we talk about your flying.
Do you know the courses I took this year? Because we talked about yours.
Do you know about Gerald? Because I know quite a bit about Jacqueline.
You haven't even asked me about that most important thing.
I HAVE TO BRING IT UP.
And don't give me that crap about you wanting to make sure I'm fine with it,
because we both know I'd love to talk about him.
I'm waiting for you to feel okay with it,
especially after all the weird vibes you've given.
Are you jealous?
Do you wish it were you?
Does putting that conversation off really show you care about me like you say you do?
Because its selfish, and I hate it.

You're selfish, and I will never love that about you.