A COMMUNAL EXPERIMENT IN SELF CURATION

a Soul Project

archival : lost :

A day of awkward silence and already I'm left reeling. Shaky and insecure, my mind panics wondering if you still feel for me, and I know it's absurd because its been one day. I don't miss these parts of love, the ones that leave you breathless and doubting.

I look back at our texts to decipher where I went wrong. Whatever the cause, I've been left to my own devices. I'm still without proper words to express. I hurt that you might consider yourself my "rebound" from Tanner, as if I'd use you and be gone. Tanner and I cut it off because I wasn't ready to pop out kids in the next two years. Shitty way to break up, but practical. No rebound necessary. But that's beside the point.

My mind burns with the memory of me on the couch in the living room, wondering if I've said something wrong to make you leave. Do I go after you, follow you into the other room? Or do I let you work it out alone? I wait patiently and my mind devours itself slowly, darkly. I don't deserve this, I know. It hurts in my chest, a spreading, pulsing ache. I realize you're reacting to your own baggage, this time, but it doesn't make it easier like they say the revelation should. I don't deserve this and yet here I am, once again trying to convince someone I'm worthy.