archival : new reasons to be afraid :
Chris’s stinking smell still lingers.
It’s lost all its prior charm.
It makes me sick, the stench of it.
Maybe it’s jealousy,
maybe it’s my futile recognition of loss,
but I’ve become downright disgusted by it.
The plague of the past works against me in a different way, now.
No longer does my heart yearn for him.
No longer will I bash my head against a brick wall for that scum.
And I’m sick not only because it’s all become so damned repulsive,
but because in breaking off my obsession
I’m turning against him just as I’d always vowed I wouldn’t.
I told myself I’d always love him,
and now I have to force myself to hate the person
I held above all else for so long?
It’s like stopping medication,
And at the same time I have to worry about Paul.
I should count myself lucky, but I bet I’m already screwing things up.
I don’t know what anyone wants,
much less this quiet, complicated man-boy.
But I hold hope, at least.