a Soul Project

archival : everything is missing :

I had a dream last night,
for the first night in a long, long while,
of Chris.
In real life I went to sleep thinking
of how I'm living in some fantasy I've created,
a world where I'm still waiting around
because his presence is still real,
like he'll show up again or something.
Like we've still got a chance, or something.
And so this morning I woke up with the taste of him,
this sense of realness of him,
like it had really happened
all around me.
And if I'd had the time I would've cried.
If it were a couple of months ago I would have cried, too,
and I'd gotten it over with last night, instead.
And so this dream,
Where in fact we did reunite and we did reconcile...
this dream is everything I seem to continue wishing for,
and everything I wish I wouldn't.
And to make things more hopeless,
as he and everyone we know goes off to college
and begins a new chapter in their lives,
I've kept myself stuck in childhood for one more year.
Who would want to come home to that.
He'd be ashamed, if he still called me his.
And for that, I'm a shame.