A COMMUNAL EXPERIMENT IN SELF CURATION

a Soul Project

archival : screw firsts, seconds and thirds :

I don't care anymore.
No really, I don't.
Its too painful,
putting myself through it all.
Because its me,
I cause it, I know.
I'm the one who let it happen.
I'm the one who keeps going back,
repeating the same mistakes,
crying the same damn tears
every time I get hurt.
And in the big scheme of things
its nothing but a needle,
a prick on the fingertip,
a fake instigation that I use
just to feel sorry for myself.
Its not a conscious intention,
just a pattern I can see.
The salt smears my mascara,
makes it run down my cheeks,
gray around my nose and
across my lips.
Crying is an ugly,
Embarrassing thing.
I look so sickly when I cry,
But I cried in front of him anyway.
I could care less, now.
Its not his fault.
I'll love him the way I did,
As a friend, as a human being
That deserves such friendship
And respect,
And like before he can lean on me
Whenever he needs someone,
Though I doubt he'll choose me.
Cameron, its okay.
You didn't break my heart
Because you didn't ever have it.
Not like Him. Not like He did.
But if I'd allowed myself;
If I'd even left myself open
To the possibility of
Growing deeper feelings,
However petty and absurd it is,
I would have fallen much harder.
I think I'm only this upset
Because the chase is over.
Not for Cameron in particular,
But for all of them,
Those body-using bastards.
You can only fall so many times
Before you realize
That the blood on
The ground is yours;
That you're hurt
And you need to watch your step,
To pay more attention,
To take it a little more
Slowly and travel with caution,
For once.
So screw firsts,
Seconds and thirds.
I'm done with all of them.
I've got to let firsts go;
Seconds are almost gone;
And thirds,
I'm not adding thirds
To my list, anymore.
I've got to wait on fourths.
Oh Poe, four's our favorite number,
And you are such a good friend.
Maybe that's telling me something.
Maybe its just saying
That number four
Is waiting for me,
Someplace else.
Someplace new, somewhere far.
Maybe that's my destiny,
If there is such a thing.
So now, for whom it may concern,
I have to save myself
For the fourth.